First and foremost let me say that I have been married to my husband for 13 years now...won't HE do it?!?!?! It's so funny (to me) to think about it, because we were so young, making such a serious commitment to each other. We met while I was traveling overseas and 6 months later I went back to visithim, got engaged only to be married a year later- that's a total of 3 encounters!!! This relationship
that we decided to partake on as children ( we were 21 & 22) has seen its good and bad days, but more importantly we have grown and that is all that matters. I do not doubt that if we were from the same culture we would have endured similar trials and tribulations that most relationships/marriages
go through- of course we would have! I will say this though, when you sprinkle on being from two completely DIFFERENT cultures among everything else, it's like running a semi-truck into a 3 foot wedding cake #Disaster LOL!!!
No, but seriously there is so much that you and your significant other should know about each other before you take that leap into happily forever-ever land. For us our issue was just understanding our roles in our blended cultured relationship but for many others it's religion and so much more. So, here are my top 10 list of things I wish I would've known...
1. Learn the language! I don't care what it is, if it's Ebonics, Swahili, Francais or German. Learn what is going on around you so that you feel included and most importantly protected. If I had a dollar for every time I was around my husband's family and had NO IDEA what was being said only to find myself under dressed and hungry, I WOULD BE RICH, richer than Oprah! Once you learn the language, you will feel more involved and respected, which will honestly enhance your relationship with everyone! #winwin
2. EAT. All cultures eat differently, my husband comes from a culture where they have 4-5 traditional dishes that are in heavy rotation (always). It took me some time to get used to it because I am just not used to eating the same thing EVERYDAY! however, I have learned to love it- just know that eating is huge to many cultures, it's a sign of respect, so just EAT it and call it a day. Now, it doesn't end there though- learn how to cook it too, that will keep your in-laws off your back!
3. Lessons. Because my husband is from a different culture there was so much that we both had to learn from each other. For me, the most difficult lessons were learning a women's role in his culture and also compromising on how we would choose to raise our children. In my husband's culture they shave their newborn's head (bald) 7 days after birth. NO MA'AM! My beautiful, curly haired babies are not about to be bald?!?!? ( I thought), however after my husband told me how much it meant to him that his children continued on a family practice and not to mention that our children would (possibly) be the first ever in his family not to shave their heads, I took one for the team and made my babies wear beanies until they were 6 months old (or at least until they started to look human again).
4. Enjoy The Adventures! Being married to someone whose family literally lives on the other side of the world is exciting (if your into that) . I have 10,000,000,000,000 stories about all of the adventures we have been on in regards to traveling overseas to visit his family but I will comprise them all in saying this, leave all of your "ways" at home and when in "Rome do as the Romans do!" The worst thing you could ever do is go visit your significant others home overseas etc. and want things to be how they are back at "home." Throw all of your comparisons out of the window and just enjoy the ride and use it all as learning lessons which will ultimately get you and your significant other closer. I'll never forget when my husband caught me crying like a 4 year old because his home didn't have central air, in Africa! I know, that was the old me! #OnlyGodCanJudgeMe #Itwashotthough
5. Communicate. It's always good to talk and being honest about how you feel is key. In the beginning I was very quiet and conformed to the ways of his culture. However, as I got older I learned that I was not operating as my true authentic self. The conversation had to be had and it took a while because we honestly were raised completely differently. What I saw as disrespectful in his eyes was being sensitive and what he thought was speaking his mind was despicable in my eyes. It takes time and understanding but at the end of the day, if you really love one another, you will understand and hear clearly what each of you are saying.
6. Buy A Bigger House. Your significant others family members (this includes his/her cousins- sister's- husband's- friend), especially those that are overseas are stamping their passports right now, and they are all coming to live with you at some point during your relationship (PERIOD!) #notsorry
7. Phone A Friend. The best way to learn a culture outside of asking your significant other and driving them crazy or sounding like an annoying 5 year old in front of their parents and family, is to befriend someone who is totally cool with you asking questions and would help you with words, cooking, wearing traditional clothes etc. Shout out to all my Senegalese gurlfriends that helped me cross over! #NdeyeGueye #Aita #Fally
8. Do you! Your significant other chose you for you, don't change! If they wanted someone from their culture they would've chosen them. You will definitely have to bend and accept some things as the new way of life BUT definitely NOT everything. Don't underestimate what you bring to the table- it can be difficult at times, but do what you can and do not do what you really are truly uncomfortable with.
9. Money, Money!!! I have a new found respect for money & family. There will always be those relatives who really believe that money grows on tress. Just know they want a piece of the apple pie and 9 times out of 10 you have to help feed into the LIE that you are rich because you live in America (if you are like me). I don't mind helping, I really don't, but sometimes you have to say, "If I give you this money, we will be walking around the house with candles and melting ice cubes to take a bath." Yes, you have to help with the family expenses when you choose to be with someone who has been given an opportunity unlike those that he/she has left behind back in their homeland, so get ready....cash, check or charge!? They accept all 3.
10. LOVE Your Significant Other, because love will be the force that gets you
through it all. It is so hard and so challenging to devote your life to a person whose culture is completely opposite of everything you know but true love is what opens your eyes, heart and mind to say, "WE can do this." It is a sacrifice to give and take what works and doesn't work, even when you don't like it but keep in mind that you also are creating what is working for your family. Yes, your friends and family will ask you, "What the hell are you wearing, eating, doing and saying?" but remember it's nobodies business what goes on in your relationship!
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For us, not much-yet so much has changed since the day we met- he still works my nerves and for now on until forever I know that once every 3 months I will come home to goat head stew smelling up the kitchen. I will say this though, I have built a tolerance like no other, for it all, out of love. He likes what he likes and I like what I like, I'm not here to change him or vice versa. I just wished I would've known then what I know now- could've save me some brain cells!
Normal Black Chic