This blog is right on time for Valentine's Day! BUT If you and your significant other never argue, have never seen bad days and are complete (HA! I'm laughing at you)- then NO, this is not the blog for you (today). Disclaimer: I am free from all opinions and interpretations of my marriage, think what you want- I know what's really going on. I know we love each other (a lot), I know that we both are passionate about our family and the desires of our entrepreneurial hearts but sometimes our wires get frayed, destroyed, peed on, chewed on by squirrels, ultimately (temporarily) disconnected. When this happens so does the misunderstanding/misinterpreting of what each other is saying- we are no longer listening to understand, we are listening to respond. Again I'm keeping it real and more people should, marriage is not just about the rainbow, it is more about the sunny days that turn gloomy with the sounds of crashing thunder mixed with pouring down heavy rain followed by the rainbow (do you understand?). We don't always see eye to eye and that's a difficult space to be in, as anyone could imagine, so to make sure that everyday, not just Valentine's Day, feels more like were listening to understand and not to respond, I have this method, to our madness on constant replay....
1. Drop old issues. I am the Queen of "remember when you...?" I admit it and I feel horrible saying it but it needs to be said because, no I'm not perfect! I know it hurts my spouse to hear me say those things & in turn he uses it against me, it sucks- and we get no where. If you don't let go of old issues you don't grow past old issues, you're stagnant and you look like 3 day old stale bread-nasty, so stop it (I'm talking to myself!)
2. Give your spouse alone time. I would want nothing more than to be with him ALL DAY LONG, LIES!- I'm lying but when I want to be with him, I want to be with him (period). When he's doing his thing and I want him to stop, so that I can be with him...I know, it sounds/feels like I'm controlling him (so he says) but I really just want to be with him (at that moment)- sounds crazy, yeah, it does. So, I have to step back and I have to realize that he needs alone time just like I do and that's okay!!!! Just make sure that there is a balance, you should make time for one another and you should never ever make one another feel like they come second to anyone, ever.
3. Have your own life. As I grow wiser, I see that I am moving into a direction that only I can articulate exactly what is happening. I'm sure my husband looks at me at times and just says, "What is she doing?" but there is a method to my madness, it's my life. I remember hearing my husband say one day, "I don't want to live my life like this anymore!" he was referring to his job situation and I felt some kind of way. I felt shaded in not feeling included on his decision to change HIS life, LOL! It's his life and he can change his job- if he's truly not happy, and so can I. Out of respect I encourage there be some sort of conversation of course but each of you should have your own life and not feel or be smothered with each other or only concentrating on one person's life having complete fulfillment. In having your own life you are nurturing yourself and your needs which in turn makes you a more pleasant and happier person to be around= less fights!
4. Touch often. It is a known fact that touching someone, especially when they are hurting, is healing. Often times that is all I need, just a hug or something as simple as holding my hand (HINT, HINT, SPOUSE!) that is my love language. If you don't know, there is a book called, "The 5 Love Languages" written by Gary Chapman and he basically states that there are 5 ways to show love to someone based on their personality & past experiences, once you know how they want to be shown love, it makes expressing love to them and receiving love easier (nothing is really ever that easy, but you get the point). Read it & try it, it has helped me...my love language is quality time & physical touch, I can't just have one- you know me, I'm a complicated soul!!!
Valentine's Day is a day recognized for love, and I am okay with that but if that's the only day that you and your significant other set aside to display your love and affection for one another, something is wrong. Also know that every real and healthy relationship has had it's days of ups and downs, there is no need to make it look like something it's not. It's healthy to say," What is going on with us right now?", "I need a moment" or "What are you saying, so I know what to do?" When you get married you don't stay who you were that day you took your vows, you grow and that comes with growing pains. The great part about it all is in deciding to be with someone for the long haul, you commit to growing through it together...in the meantime press play and let your conscience be free to Method Man and Mary (I got skillz)
Hang on & Happy Valentine's Day (whateva that means to you!)
